Beat Fred

Let's see who can beat me, the king of the picks, this coming week. It's simple, just leave a comment with who you think will win what game. You don't have to predict a score or reason why, just the winner for each matchup. On Friday I will release my picks and then we will have a grand old time watching me beat everyone.

-Fred

A Call to Arms!

Warning: The views expressed in this piece don’t coincide with my own. This is meant purely as a joke, but its purpose is to raise into question current topic being debated in the SNFL.  

The SFC with another story yesterday about how Berthiaume is open to altering the way the SNFL is structured. The possibility of expanding rosters from 15-17 players, the SFC says, for their public option keeper league -- there's no reason to do this. There's no reason. The SNFL is falling apart! They're gonna bulldoze 40% of the SNFL. The era of Berthiaume has settled in. Forty percent of the SNFL is comprised of good sleepers. The SFC is now using secret tactics to make sure they maintain dominance in the SNFL and leaving the NFC out to fend for itself. They don't have the authority. Forty percent, they're going to have to bulldoze 40% the SNFL to reduce the size because it no longer works the way they want. This is unthinkable in the Sick Nasty Football League. Unthinkable, the era of Berthiaume. It's just -- I'm seeing things happen in this league that I thought I would never, ever see. These are the kind of things that happen in totalitarian regimes!

The era of Berthiaume rolls on. Again, we get the best journalism from the NFC. This from the NFC Telegraph. Dozens in the SNFL may have entire teams bulldozed as part of a drastic shrink to survive proposal being considered by the Berthiaume administration to make way for a keeper league. The SFC is looking at expanding a pioneering scheme in the NFC, one of the best conferences, which involves razing entire teams and returning the land to nothing. Local politicians in the SFC believe the conference must contract by as much as 40%, concentrating the dwindling population and local services into a more viable air. Having outlined this "strategy" to Commissioner Berthiaume during the expansion campaign, John Lee, the treasurer of the SFC, has now been approached by the SFC and a group of charities who want him to apply what he has learnt to the rest of the league. So Mr. Lee said he's going to concentrate on 5 teams and essentially bulldoze them to make 'em smaller and what, more survivable, serviceable or what have you, and turn whatever is bulldozed back to nature, the era of Berthiaume. Shrink to survive. Bulldoze 5 teams, portions of 5 teams. Did you ever think you would hear anything like this in the Sick Nasty Football League? And this is the NFC. This is the NFC. Birthplace of, I believe, the SNFL. Regardless who's been running the SFC? For all these years? Liberals. Who's been running the SFC probably all these years? The NFC made some of their own mistakes but who's making the SFC -- who's bulldozing the NFC? Jonathan Berthiaume. Never, never -- this is the kind of stuff you see in horror films that happens in other leagues. But not here. Bulldozing entire conferences.

I have a question for you, folks, and I know that this is going... you have to listen very carefully here, this is going to push the envelope. Does Fred Varn have the gravitas to be SNFL Majority Leader? Is this what we want in a SNFL Majority Leader? I think the tables need to be turned here. Rather than accept the assumption that Varn is a wizard, a brainiac, utterly qualified and competent, we need to turn the tables and ask what is he bringing to the table. What in the world is Fred Varn doing for the Sick Nasty Football League? How is what Fred Varn is doing enhancing our reputation or improving our position? How many different versions of Satan, the devil, have you seen in your life? I mean, the comic book devil with the red face and the horns, seen that one. We've seen the Satanic devil of the horror films. We've seen the comic devil of TV shows. We've even seen the smooth, tempting devil in Hollywood moves. Is Fred Varn simply another way to portray a devil?

I know: “Taylor, how could you? You don't say this about anybody! Oh, Taylor, please back off, don't go too far, you're going to come off as so, oh, no, Taylor, please don't. He's so laid back, he's so soft-spoken, he's so friendly, he's so, how could you say that, please." Folks, look: Is he so laid back? Is he so soft-spoken? Is Varn so friendly? You tell me. Remember what Varn said when he became the SNFL Majority Leader? He blathered on about bipartisanship and working with the Commissioner and how he came to the job with humility and how he realized now that as Majority Leader his responsibilities were different - that he had to work to bring competing sides together for the good of the SNFL. And from that day forward he's been on TV just about every day doing everything he can to keep the people of this country divided.

In the end my friends, we need to watch out for ourselves. We can't let the agenda of Berthiaume, Lee, Varn, and the SFC ruin this great league we have. We need to take back our league and tell these guys that we don’t want your socialist keeper league just so you can force the NFC  out of the league. Because that’s what going to happen. Don’t trust the liberal media coming out of the SFC. For the NFC to stand, we need to be united!

-Taylor

State of the SNFL Report

With 6 Straight Losses, Core Protection Keeps their Heads Held High

Yesterday, after suffering a 91.60-86.55 loss to the Mud Eaters, Core Protection (affectionately named Core Protection 3D) was handed its 6 consecutive loss of the season. Not only is this shocking giving their 2-0 start at the beginning of the season, but also because of their first place rating in the preseason polls. Since their surprise loss to themadoompaloompas, Core Protection has resorted to trading away most of their team, changing their name each week, and losing their highly touted Pro Bowl quarterback. However, nothing seems to solve their dire need for just one precious win. In the past 3 games, Core Protection has lost by less than 5 points. With a week 9 showdown against the surging Las Tortugas Negras, a loss could end any chance of a magical comeback by lowly Core Protection.

I sat down with the owner of Core Protection to get his feelings on his team’s season…

Taylor Oxendine: You are a trooper: 6 straight losses, tied with Bhavik, and you live with the [luckiest person] in the league… just amazing.

Fred Varn: Just got to keep your chin up and plan for next year. We aren’t out of the playoffs yet either, though it’s going to be difficult.

TO: Can you talk to us about how the loss of Tony Romo is affecting your team.

FV: Well Core Protection could easily be 4-4 had Tony Romo stuck around. His loss is hurting… Just got to try for a win this week with Eli Manning.

TO: Can this team still make the playoffs after suffering so much?

FV: We are only 2 games back from 3^rd place and play the 3^rd place team this weekend. A win would put us right back in the hunt again.

TO: Alright, thank you for your time and good luck this week.

If you want to be interviewed for next weeks SNFL Report just contact me (Taylor Oxendine) by text or on Facebook. If your story is compelling and rich enough, I’ll use it for next week. 

-Taylor         

Rules for Next Season

As we come to the second half of the season, there has been talk on rules. There will be an SNFLOA (Sick Nasty Football League Owners' Association) meeting in the postseason to discuss new rules. Here are the issues to think and debate about:

First off, these issues need to be decided BEFORE the season ends

Keeper League: You are allowed to keep one player you drafted after the sixth round. You have to have him on your team by the end of the regular season or you cannot keep him. If you choose to keep a player you cannot draft a player the round your keeper was drafted.

Draft Order: The 2011 draft order will be decided in order of how teams finish in the 2010 season. The SNFL Champion will get the 10th draft pick, and the SNFL Runner-up will get the 9th draft pick. From there it goes in reverse order of record. The team with the worst record will get the first draft pick and the team left with the best record will get the third, etc. In the event of ties, points for will be used with the earlier draft pick going to the team with lower points for.

These issues will be debated in the postseason:

Flex Position: The addition of a RB/WR flex position

Roster Expansion: The roster will expand to 17 slots instead of the current 15

New Trade Rules: All trades will be voted on, a 6-4 majority will pass. "No" votes must have a reason accompanying them, and "because I play them this week" will no longer be an acceptable reason to vote no.

Point Bonuses: One extra point will be added for 100+ yards from a RB, with another point bonus added at 150+ yards. For WRs the numbers will be 100+ and 200+. For QBs the number will be 300+ and 400+.

Touchdown Point Reduction: Touchdowns will be reduced from 6 points for receiving/running to 5 points or 4 points and 4 points for passing to 3 points.

Points per Reception: WRs will get an extra point or half point for each reception they record.

Increased Add/Drop Limit: Increases to how many players you can add each week.

That is all that I can think of right now, but check this article fairly often for it may be amended as more issues are brought up. By posting this article I am not claiming I support all or any of these issues. These will be decided at the SNFLOA meeting in the postseason. Feel free to discuss them.

-Fred

10 Questions

1. Mud Eaters: Well, he was lucky to beat The Ox in week 1 (winning in the last minutes of MNF). With all the luck this team has gotten, why not again?

2. Team Canuckistan: Has anyone noticed that after a record setting 6 100+ point games, this team hasn’t scored over 85 points in 2 games?

3. The Ox: Who else is looking for 5 new defenses to add to their team?

4. Red Tiger: Is there any team more underrated than this team, and why is no one talking about their rivalry with Team Canuckistan?

5. The DAWGS: How lucky is this team to still be in the top 3 in the NFC?

6. Las Tortugas Negras: Could this be the second straight year that a team, not drafted by its owner, wins it all.

7. Carnegie PantyRaiders: After squandering so many chances to get into the top 3 in the NFC, could their game against The DAWGS finally give them the recognition they deserve… or will Monday Night Football screw them again?

8. The Disciples of Eleven: Has anyone noticed that when this team scores 100+ points they are 3-0?

9. themadoompaloompas: If they had won without a tight end… how much would we be shitting our pants right now? And how much of that fecal matter would be the product of delicious Taco Bell?

10.  Core Protection: They are 2-4 as Core Protection, 0-1 as Core Protection II, 0-1 as Core Protection 3D… should this team be thanking me for leaving their name as Core Protection?

-Taylor

An Analysis of the SFC: What happened and why

Coming into the first season of the SNFL to use conferences, the SFC looked like they had it all. They were stacked in the preseason top 10, with 4 out of 10 teams in the top 5. There was even discussion of redoing the conferences because the SFC was so much better than the NFC, or so it appeared.

Fast forward to today. The NFC have been dominating the SFC in interconference games (12-8) and lead them in points for 3847.10-3768.40. No one in the SFC has less than 3 losses, whereas the NFC has one 7-1. The worst team in the NFC has beaten two SFC opponents and almost a third. The NFC is clearly showing their dominance, and the SFC are left wondering what happened?

The first thing the SFC should look at is consistency. No team in the SFC has proven to be solid. Team Canuckistan's 6 game streak of 100+ points has since fallen with two games under 85. Red Tiger is all over the place in points but ties Team Canuckistan's record. Las Tortugas Negras may be the SFC's best chance at consistency, but they need to get their points per game up to be any hope to the SFC in the playoffs. The Elevolutionaries are the worst, posting two worst of all time games and then raping over 100 in later games. Core Protection has a tendency to play to the level of competition but never enough to win.

The second thing the SFC should look at is scheduling. The entire SFC is pretty even. There is no one team that is safe for the playoffs right now, and there is no one team that is definitely out. With conference play starting back up again it is not impossible for the current standings to be reversed by the end of the season. This leads SFC team records to be worse than given credit for, whereas the highly unbalanced NFC has a clear pecking order.

At this point the only way for the SFC to regain conference pride is to win out their interconference games, or have a PWC champion. These are both feats that the SFC will have to work for and it will be interesting to see what happens in the coming weeks.

-Fred

Week 8 Recap

As if things couldn't get any more retarded after Week 7, here comes Week 8 to add to the massive circlejerk of fantasy faggotry...

Results
1. Cum Eaters def 8. Core Protection 3D
4. The Cox def 2. Team Canuckistan
3. Red Tigay def 10. themadoompaloompas
9. Dicksiples of Elevenigger def 5. The DAWGS
7. Las Whoretugas Negrass def 6. Carnegie PantyRaiders

Record Update
Core Protection 3D (Varn): Most consecutive losses - 6. Previously held by themadoompaloompas (Patel)

Conference Stats
SFC vs. NFC Record: 9-11
SFC Total Points: 3768.40
NFC Total Points: 3847.10

Analysis of the Week
This week's featured stat: A revisit of the Bullshit Factor^TM.

Team Name	BS Factor
Mud Eaters	∞
Everyone Else	0